✨ Perfectionism and Trauma: How Early Experiences Shape Unrealistic Standards 🌱

Perfectionism is often misunderstood as a mere personality trait — the tendency to be detail-oriented, driven, or high-achieving. While those qualities can be healthy, perfectionism in its maladaptive form is less about striving for excellence and more about avoiding shame, rejection, or failure. When examined through a trauma-informed lens, perfectionism often reveals itself as a survival strategy rooted in early experiences.

What Is Perfectionism?

At its core, perfectionism is the relentless pursuit of flawlessness, accompanied by harsh self-criticism and fear of making mistakes. It goes beyond having high standards; it is the belief that one’s worth is contingent on performance, approval, or control. This cycle leaves little room for self-compassion and often results in chronic stress, burnout, and strained relationships.

Perfectionism can manifest in different ways:

• Self-oriented perfectionism: Imposing rigid, often unrealistic standards on oneself.

• Other-oriented perfectionism: Holding others to unattainable expectations.

• Socially prescribed perfectionism: Believing that others expect perfection from you, fueling fear of failure and rejection.

Trauma and the Roots of Perfectionism

Trauma isn’t always one defining event — it can also be the accumulation of smaller wounds over time. Childhood experiences such as emotional neglect, parental criticism, or unpredictable caregiving environments often sow the seeds of perfectionism. For many, perfectionism is not about wanting to be perfect; it’s about needing to feel safe.

Early experiences that may shape perfectionistic tendencies include:

• Conditional love: Affection or approval given only when a child performs well.

• Emotional neglect: Striving to “earn” attention by being exceptional.

• Unpredictable environments: Using control to cope with instability.

• Criticism or shame: Internalizing the belief that worth must be earned through flawlessness.

Recent research confirms this connection. Michałowska et al. (2025) found that maladaptive perfectionism can serve as a mediator between childhood trauma and adult depression, particularly when trauma involves neglect, peer violence, or sexual abuse. Their study suggests that perfectionism often emerges as a coping strategy aimed at regaining control, reducing shame, and securing acceptance.

🧠 The Nervous System and Perfectionism

Trauma impacts the nervous system, often leaving individuals in hyperarousal (fight-or-flight) or collapse (freeze). The drive toward perfection becomes a survival strategy to avoid perceived threats.

• Fight response: "If I work harder and get everything right, I’ll avoid criticism or rejection."

• Fawn response: "If I please everyone and never make mistakes, I’ll stay safe and loved."

Over time, these adaptations may appear as ambition or productivity, but underneath lies a survival mechanism.

How Perfectionism Shows Up in Adult Life

Perfectionism continues into adulthood, shaping careers, relationships, and mental health:

• 💼 Work: Overworking, burnout, difficulty celebrating accomplishments.

• 💔 Relationships: Fear of vulnerability, difficulty setting boundaries, resentment when others fall short.

• 😥 Mental health: Increased risk for depression, anxiety, and chronic stress.

In the Michałowska et al. (2025) study, participants with depression had higher levels of maladaptive perfectionism compared to healthy controls, underscoring how deeply these patterns can persist.

🌱 Healing Perfectionism Through a Trauma-Informed Lens

Healing perfectionism is not about lowering standards or becoming careless; it’s about reshaping beliefs formed in early life.

1. 💚 Awareness and Compassion
   Recognizing perfectionism as a trauma response can reduce shame and open space for self-compassion.

2. 🌬️ Body-Based Practices
   Somatic therapies, Brainspotting, and EMDR help release stored trauma and restore nervous system balance.

3. 🪞 Challenging Core Beliefs
   Therapy can uncover beliefs such as “I am only lovable if I succeed” and replace them with healthier narratives.

4. 🌟 Redefining Success
   Moving from external validation toward intrinsic values loosens the grip of perfectionism.

5. 🤝 Building Resilience in Relationships
   Embracing imperfection in relationships allows for deeper authenticity.

🌿 The Role of Therapy

A trauma-informed therapist can help clients understand how early experiences shaped perfectionism and support them in creating new relational patterns. Research indicates that reducing maladaptive perfectionism may also improve depression outcomes.

Therapy provides a safe space not only to explore these beliefs but also to practice imperfection, strengthen self-trust, and cultivate compassion.

Moving Forward: From Perfectionism to Wholeness

Perfectionism often begins as an attempt to secure love and safety. By understanding its roots in trauma, we can shift the narrative from “something is wrong with me” to “this was how I survived.” From this stance, healing becomes possible.

Addressing maladaptive perfectionism is not just about reducing self-criticism — it’s about supporting deeper trauma healing and reclaiming a sense of worthiness.

Learn more about trauma therapy here

Reference
Michałowska, S., Chęć, M., & Podwalski, P. (2025). The mediating role of maladaptive perfectionism in the relationship between childhood trauma and depression. Scientific Reports, 15(18236). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-025-03783-1

Brainspotting: What If I Don’t Feel Anything?

The Expectation of a “Big Release”

Many people come to Brainspotting therapy expecting something dramatic to happen. You may have heard stories of tears flowing, shaking in the body, or powerful emotional releases during a session. And sometimes, Brainspotting does look like that. But what if your experience is different? What if you sit in session and… nothing big happens? No flood of emotion. No noticeable shift. Just quiet.

It’s easy to wonder if you’re doing it “wrong” or if Brainspotting is even working. The truth is: healing doesn’t always look or feel the way we expect.

Why Brainspotting Can Feel Subtle

Many people imagine healing as something dramatic — like a floodgate opening or a huge emotional release that leaves you feeling lighter right away. And while that can happen, Brainspotting often works in quieter, more understated ways.

That’s because Brainspotting doesn’t just engage your thinking brain — the part that likes to analyze, make sense, and look for answers. Instead, it connects with the subcortical brain, the deeper part of your nervous system where unprocessed experiences are stored. This part of the brain doesn’t speak in words or dramatic gestures. It communicates through body sensations, small shifts in awareness, or changes that you may not notice in the moment.

Sometimes the processing is so gentle that it feels like “nothing is happening.” In reality, your system is doing important work — reorganizing, rewiring, and releasing what it has been holding onto. Healing at this level doesn’t always come with fireworks. It often looks like your body softening a little, your breath becoming steadier, or your mind feeling just a touch clearer after the session.

It’s also important to remember that your nervous system has its own pace. If your body senses that a “big release” would be too overwhelming, it may choose a slower, safer route. That doesn’t mean the work isn’t effective — it means your system is protecting you while still allowing healing to unfold. Subtle doesn’t equal unsuccessful.

Think of it like planting seeds. You don’t see the growth right away, but beneath the surface, change is happening. And in time, the results begin to show — sometimes in ways you didn’t expect.

Healing Beyond The Session

One of the unique things about Brainspotting is that the healing doesn’t stop when the session ends. Because Brainspotting works with the deeper parts of the brain and nervous system, the processing often continues quietly in the hours, days, or even weeks afterward.

This is why you might leave a session wondering, “Did anything even happen?” only to notice small but meaningful shifts later. Maybe you find yourself sleeping more soundly, feeling calmer in situations that used to overwhelm you, or realizing that a memory no longer carries the same heaviness. These are all signs that your system is still integrating and releasing.

Your body has an incredible wisdom — it knows how to move toward healing if given the chance. Just like a cut on your skin begins to knit back together without you telling it what to do, your nervous system also carries this same capacity for repair. Brainspotting simply creates the conditions for your body and brain to do what they already know how to do: release what’s been stuck and find more balance.

The process isn’t always dramatic. Sometimes it’s subtle, like a small softening in your chest or the ability to take a deeper breath. Other times, the shift shows up days later — a little more patience, a little more clarity, or an unexpected sense of relief. Healing can look quiet, but it’s no less powerful.

Think of it like a ripple in water: the session is the stone dropping in, but the waves keep moving outward long after. Or like a tightly knotted rope slowly loosening — you may not notice each strand releasing, but over time there’s more space, more ease, and more room to breathe.

You Can’t Do Brainspotting “Wrong”

One of the most common worries people have during Brainspotting is the thought: “What if I’m not doing this right?” Maybe you didn’t feel a big wave of emotion. Maybe your body stayed quiet. Maybe your mind wandered. It’s natural to wonder if you missed something or if the session “worked.”

The truth is: you can’t do Brainspotting wrong.

Still, it makes sense that the worry shows up. Many of us are used to performing, achieving, or proving ourselves — in school, in our families, in our careers. That drive to “get it right” often follows us into therapy, too. You might find yourself wondering: Am I supposed to feel more? Should I be crying? Am I doing this correctly?

But Brainspotting doesn’t work that way. It isn’t about effort or performance. In fact, trying to force something to happen can sometimes get in the way, pulling you back into your thinking brain rather than letting the deeper parts of your nervous system do the work.

The beauty of Brainspotting is that your body already knows how to move toward healing. Sometimes that looks big and dramatic — tears, shaking, a strong release. Other times it’s quiet — stillness, calm, or even feeling like “nothing happened.” Both are valid. Both are healing.

Your nervous system is wise. It won’t give you more than you’re ready to handle, and it doesn’t need you to do therapy right. All it needs is for you to show up, notice what arises, and allow the process to unfold.

Just as your heart knows how to beat and your lungs know how to breathe without you having to control them, your nervous system knows how to process what’s been held — in its own time, in its own way.

So if you catch yourself wondering whether you “did it right,” remember: you don’t have to perform here. You don’t have to prove anything. In Brainspotting, there is no wrong — only your experience, and the healing that quietly unfolds from it.

Closing Invitation

You don’t have to keep carrying this weight on your own. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting your past or pushing it aside — it means creating space to breathe, to soften what feels overwhelming, and to reconnect with the parts of yourself that feel lost.

Whether you are navigating grief, trauma, or the quiet ache of feeling “stuck,” Brainspotting and somatic therapy offer a way forward that goes deeper than talk. This is a space where your body and nervous system can finally release what they’ve been holding, and where you can begin to feel more steady, present, and whole.

You don’t need to have the perfect words. You don’t need to know exactly where to start. You just need a safe place to begin. If you’re ready to take that step, I would be honored to walk alongside you.

How Your Body Holds the Key to Trauma Recovery

Have you ever talked through something painful—again and again—only to feel like you're still stuck? Maybe you’ve been told you're “over it,” but your body tells a different story. Your heart still races. Your stomach still drops. You still feel unsafe.

You're not broken. Your nervous system is simply trying to protect you.

Trauma Isn’t Just in Your Head

The truth is, trauma doesn’t live only in your thoughts—it lives in your body. That knot in your chest, the tight jaw, the numbness in your hands—these are all ways your body remembers. Even long after the danger has passed, your nervous system might still be holding on.

The Limits of Talk Therapy

While talking can be powerful, some wounds go deeper than words. That’s why insight alone isn’t always enough. Many people feel frustrated when they “understand” what happened, but still don’t feel any different.

That’s not your fault. It’s simply that healing from trauma often needs to start in the body.

Why This Happens

When something traumatic happens, your body does exactly what it’s designed to do—it protects you. Your heart races, your muscles tense, your breath gets shallow. This is your nervous system saying, “I’ve got you. Let’s survive this.”

But sometimes, even after the danger has passed, your body stays in that protective state. You might feel jumpy, shut down, overwhelmed, or on edge for no clear reason. That’s because trauma doesn’t just live in memory—it lives in your nervous system. And it doesn’t speak in words. It speaks in sensations.

This isn’t weakness. It’s biology. Your body is brilliant—it just hasn’t gotten the message that it’s safe now. Somatic therapy gently helps you send that message.

What Somatic Therapy Offers

At Rooted Counseling & Wellness, we approach healing from the inside out. Somatic therapy invites you to slow down, listen to your body, and learn its language. You don’t have to relive your trauma to release it—you just need a safe space to be in your body again.

Through tools like gentle movement, grounding, Brainspotting, and breathwork, we help clients rebuild safety in their nervous system, one step at a time.

You Deserve to Feel at Home in Your Body

You don’t have to keep pushing through, or wondering why nothing’s “working.” There is another way—and it doesn’t start with fixing yourself. It starts with listening.

If you're curious about somatic therapy or feel like your body is carrying more than you can name, you're not alone. You're already on the path. Let’s walk it together.

Why I’m Private Pay—and How It Benefits You

Choosing a therapist is a deeply personal decision. And so is the way we choose to do therapy. At Rooted Counseling & Wellness, I’ve chosen to operate as a private pay provider — and I want to share why that matters, and how it can actually serve your healing.

🌿 Therapy Should Be Rooted in You, Not a Diagnosis

When we go through insurance, therapy often becomes medicalized. In order for insurance to cover your sessions, you need to be given a formal diagnosis — often during your very first meeting — and your care has to fit within their definitions of “medically necessary.” That means:

• Your healing is documented and monitored by people who never meet you.

• Your therapist’s time is spent justifying your care instead of providing it.

• Sessions may be limited or denied based on criteria set by a system, not your actual needs.

As a private pay therapist, I’m not required to label or pathologize your pain in order to support your growth. You don’t have to be “sick enough” or “traumatized enough” to get help here. Your healing journey belongs to you — not a spreadsheet.

🧠 You Deserve Depth, Not Just Symptom Management

Many of my clients come to me after trying other therapies or approaches that didn’t go deep enough. They’re tired of learning coping skills for the hundredth time or telling their story over and over without feeling real change.

By offering Brainspotting, EMDR, and trauma-informed therapy, we’re not just working at the surface — we’re going to the root. And that kind of work can’t be rushed or standardized.

Private pay allows us to move at the pace your nervous system needs — not what an insurance company will reimburse.

⏳ Private Pay Offers More Freedom and Flexibility

You decide how long you want to be in therapy, not a claims adjuster.

• We can tailor sessions to include holistic, body-based, and culturally-sensitive practices without needing special approvals.

• Your records stay private — nothing is submitted to insurance databases.

It also gives me more time and presence with each client. Instead of spending hours navigating billing systems and paperwork, I can focus on showing up fully for you.

💛 I Know Therapy Is an Investment

I don’t take lightly the fact that private pay therapy is a financial commitment. It’s a decision that requires intention, courage, and a willingness to prioritize yourself. I also believe it’s an investment that can create lasting change — not just temporary relief.

To help make therapy more accessible, I offer:

• A free 15-minute consultation to ensure we’re a good fit

• Superbills for possible out-of-network reimbursement

• Temporary sliding scale options for those struggling financially. What is a sliding fee scale? A sliding fee scale adjusts the cost of therapy sessions based on a client’s income or financial situation, making services more accessible.